My Version of MacBeth

The two Scottish generals Macbeth and Banquo were returning victorious from a battle when they saw three figures like women except they were nauseating. The first one saluted him as thane of Glamis, the second called him as the thane of Cawdor. The third exclaimed, “All hail guy that will be king next!” Then they looked at Banquo and said, “You may not be as UBERLY-PWNAGE as Macbeth, but greater in an eccentric, unseen, problematical way we cannot explain because we didn’t get a great education!” they said this, “Thou shalt not-ith be-ith King-ith But-eth, thou children-ith will… ith?” Then they disappeared in a mind-numbing, elderly, monotonous, brainless fashion that is too dull to explain. The Scottish generals referred to them as “the ugly prophesisers.” Macbeth turned to Banquo and said, “Your sons will never become king because they have been e-mailed so many links to: youfail.org, I’m so sorry my fiend, I mean friend.” He gave Banquo an eerie smile and Banquo replied, “You might aim at the throne but ugly prophesisers often tell truths in little things and betray you, and you don’t even get the choice to betrayal boot. Remember this is not Halo 3.” But, the suggestions given by the ugly prophesisers had sunk into his mind and latched on to his brain and was implanting thoughts, evil thoughts.


Macbeth spoke to his wife about the prophecy. She was a horrendous woman and she wanted Macbeth to fulfill the prophecy so she could become UBER but she would not quite be as UBERLY-PWNAGE as Macbeth. It just so happened that the king was returning from a journey so he went to bed early.

Now, in the dead of night, Lady Macbeth woke to plot the murder of the King. Such an act she was going to perform was bizarre for her gender, but she feared her husband’s nature. She knew he was ambitious and scrupulous and not primed for the height of the crime which universally accompanies inordinate ambition. She went to exterminate him but there was something in his uninteresting face that reminded her of her father and caused her to go back to confer with her husband.

Macbeth thought about it and had many conflicted thoughts. But he decided to kill the King himself. He entered the King’s room and saw another dagger. It had blood at its tip and its handle was toward him. He tried to grasp it but it disappeared. He went up to the bed and SLICE, SLASH, STAB, STAB, SLASH, SLASH, SLICE, SNAP, STAB, STAB, and it was over. He then heard a voice that said, “Sleep no more, Macbeth kill innocent sleep, sleep no more, Glamis killed sleep, and Cawdor won’t sleep, Macbeth won’t sleep!” With abysmal imaginations Macbeth returned to his wife. She had thought he had failed and was; thrown into a pit of spikes while being skewered by ghostly daggers and had been forced into a guillotine which severed his head which was then used for a game of tennis where the face got decrepit and ruptured; his brains were spattered on the tennis court ground and someone slipped in it and scattered the pieces and then the chunks had been torched and put in a sack and hung on a tree. She then helped him wipe the blood from his hands after recounting what she thought had happened.

Morning came and the murder couldn’t be concealed. Duncan’s two sons, Malcolm and Donalbain fled. Macbeth was crowned king and was confused once again by the “ugly prophesisers” prophecy related to Banquo.

He planned a great supper to which he invited all the chief thanes and Banquo and Banquo’s son Fleance too. The way to the supper was beset by assassins who stabbed Banquo. But, in the scuffle Fleance escaped. After getting Banquo killed, Macbeth and his wife had terrible dreams so Macbeth looked for the “ugly prophesisers” They knew he was coming so they were preparing appalling charms with horrendous ingredients, toads, bats, serpents, the eye of newt, the tongue of a dog, the leg of a lizard, the wing of a night-owl, the scale of a dragon, etc. Macbeth demanded to speak with the spirits. They appeared, the first one called him by name the second called Macbeth by name, the third said, “You won’t be killed until the wood of Birnam comes to your doorstep,” and then the spirit disappeared. “And hedgehogs might fly,” thought Macbeth.

A long time passed and he became careless of life and wished for death. He locked himself in his castle as he waited for Malcolm. One day a messenger ran in and told him the forest was moving! But, the messenger was stupid and didn’t hear the people marching ‘cause he was deaf. Malcolm had told his soldiers to hew every bough down and bear it in front of them so their numbers were concealed.

Macduff and Macbeth met and exchanged words, “You lost your work as easily as you impress the air with your sword,” Macbeth taunted. “Despair your magnetism!” said Macduff. Macbeth’s confidence gave way, he hurled himself at Macduff and Macduff cut his head off. Macduff gave it as a present to Malcolm.